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Visit neenie1991's column >>

NEENIE1991

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defense.
Articles Posted: 24  Links Seeded: 7
Member Since: 1/2009  Last Seen: 2/09/2012

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The Summer of My Discontent, a Story of Sexual Abuse

Mon Jun 1, 2009 1:28 PM EDT
mental-health, hot, abuse, hate, fear, summer, survivor, predator, innocence, silence, personal-narrative, molest, helpless, writing-down-the-bones
By neenie1991

Photo by [Flickr User]. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)

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This is something I started in Scott Butki's "Writing Down the Bones" Topic -

The sun reflecting off the aluminum siding of the travel trailer was blinding. The heat of the July day was stifling. I made my way across the gravel driveway with the armload of folded t-shirts and underwear. My clothes clinging to me already, even though I was only a few yards from our back door. It was so hot it felt like a crackling dry blanket had been thrown over my head. That wasn't why I was sweating.

I knocked on the door of the trailer. He said, "Come in." I squeezed in the door, making myself as small as possible and reached in with the laundry to put it on the fold down table immediately inside the door. It was suffocating inside, yet there was a cold pit in my stomach. I started to back out of the door.

"You know where they go," He said. "would you put them away for me please?" Sweat was trickling down my back, my forehead, everywhere it seemed. I picked up the pile of clothes and skirted around him to place them in the drawer. His artificial leg was in the corner opposite him. I imagined grabbing it and running with it as far and as fast as I could. Never stopping. But just for a moment. What would be the point? I scooted back around him. He grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap. "Why so shy?" he said. Putting his arms around me.

His hands slid all over my body. Grasping fingers reached under the t-shirt the stuck to my body with a sticky coating of sweat, groping and fondling. The other hand probing between my legs, inside my shorts. The cloying odor of the powder he used on his fleshy body was nearly as overpowering as his stale panting breath in my face. All I could see in my head was blackness. All I could feel was nausea and fear. I knew it wouldn't last long. He wouldn't want to raise my mother's suspicions. I would escape soon. Until next time.

http://sbutki.newsvine.com/_news/2009/05/17/2828917-writing-down-the-bones-may-17-topic-hot

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Published to:

  • neenie1991's Column, All of Newsvine
  • Groups: Hooray for Boobs! , Mental Health and Wellness, Newsviners' Picks, Personal Narratives, Psych, Soc, Philos, Scott's Writing Assignments, Survivors & Friends of Abuse, Vine Monkeys, Writers
  • Regions: none
  • Public Discussion (37)
neenie1991

So, there it is. One anyway.

The CoH will be strictly enforced.

  • 4 votes
Reply#1 - Mon Jun 1, 2009 1:32 PM EDT
Scott (Scoop) Butki

when I read your piece at Bones I was like "oh no, another person hurt by sexual abuse" (i've run into way more in the past few years while active on the net) than in the rest of my life combined which makes me wonder if people here are more willing and free to tell the story (which is good if writing is cathartic as it is for me) or if others are just less open about it.

either way, can i give you a big hug?

i'm going to clip this to my column and newsviner's picks so more people will see it, ok?

  • 1 vote
#1.1 - Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:03 PM EDT
Reply
nica1829

oh neenie - too painful right now - i'll get back to you

  • 3 votes
Reply#2 - Mon Jun 1, 2009 1:43 PM EDT
QweenBeeDeleted
teresa-498430

Hi neenie, It was very brave of you to write this and it is very well done. You are an exceptionally good writer. I have been thinking about this most of the day and have tried to think what I could say to you. What a horrifying and tragic event for you to endure, you are my hero today. You have endured so much and you are still standing. You offer us so much here on newsvine with your wit, sense of humor, and sweetness. I am sorry you endured this and I am in awe of your strength. With utmost respect I offer you a shoulder, Teresa

  • 3 votes
Reply#4 - Mon Jun 1, 2009 9:13 PM EDT
neenie1991

Thank you very much Teresa. I have been thinking about it since I wrote it last week, and decided to finish it. I was shaking by the time I posted it. That was the first of my ugly summers that I've only talked about in counseling and not in such depth. I have had a discussion with my mother, that story is for another time. Thank you for your words and support!

  • 6 votes
#4.1 - Mon Jun 1, 2009 11:38 PM EDT
Reply
DragonWoman

neenie: I wrote something from a classroom exercise that was for the most part fiction. The fact that you reached into something so personal shows your strength.

That day of freedom is comming girl.... get ready for it.

Wonderful style.

  • 7 votes
Reply#5 - Tue Jun 2, 2009 9:57 AM EDT
sorrelen

neenie all I can say is I am sorry and that you are brave for speaking out and telling your story...

  • 6 votes
Reply#6 - Tue Jun 2, 2009 1:44 PM EDT
QweenBeeDeleted
US Citizen-658112

I wish you peace. I hope you are now in a safe place, psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

  • 6 votes
Reply#8 - Tue Jun 2, 2009 5:30 PM EDT
JustDucki

Painful to read, incredibly well written. A million kudos to you for your strength.

  • 6 votes
Reply#9 - Tue Jun 2, 2009 11:30 PM EDT
Sherry working hard

Neenie thru writing perhaps more healing. Sometimes just getting it out there may help someone else to know they are not alone. Maybe your writing can help others to seek help and or know it was not their fault. I can not wait to meet you!

  • 6 votes
Reply#10 - Wed Jun 3, 2009 12:42 AM EDT
KGMO

Neenie, I admire your courage in writing about something so personal. You have helped someone who was a victim of abuse.

  • 5 votes
Reply#11 - Wed Jun 3, 2009 11:18 PM EDT
nica1829

neenie - it has taken me awhile to come back here and re-read - i know we have fun with some articles (like my ingrown hair one) but these type are difficult to read as you well know and i know how hard they are to write - i commend the strength you have to write it out - the reason this one hit me hard was the description you gave brought back some of my own experiences - smells - the smell of the straw in the barn - that closed off feeling of the barn - all hit me - i know it is good (or so my therapist keeps telling me) to get these things out & stop shutting them down but it is so hard

thank you

  • 4 votes
Reply#12 - Thu Jun 4, 2009 11:26 AM EDT
neenie1991

I understand. I remembered things about that summer as I wrote it, and I still am. I've been in and out of counseling for years but never talked or wrote in such detail. I have to say you telling your story, as well as Stephanie and others, enabled me to begin to mine into words. Thank you.

  • 4 votes
#12.1 - Thu Jun 4, 2009 11:54 AM EDT
nica1829

i don't like to talk about it and so i tend to talk about what i am feeling about situations in the present as if the past does not exist (kind of frustrates my therapist) - but after reading so many articles here (as you said Stephanie and Maddad) i realize that maybe i need to purge

i am here for you to talk (write) anytime you need - if only to get it out - you can email me

  • 5 votes
#12.2 - Thu Jun 4, 2009 1:06 PM EDT
Reply
DamageControlDeleted
maddad

as i read the story and comments, don't see where anyone was asking for advice. seems like people just assume their advice is wanted. i have posted articles personal to me, read every comment, whether advice driven or not, but i don't take advice well from flesh friends that i know and interact with everyday all the time, certainly not going to put a great deal of stock in it here, unless i know they are expert in the field discussed. you can tell if someone has for instance medical or other type of specific knowledge, especially if they back it up with ref.

when someone is sharing a part of their life story, especially along these subject lines, and you either have not been through it or you have but have not dealt with it in a healthly way yet, best to read it, vote if you like, maybe express your basic comments about the story, and go away. when i try to sound like i know something that i don't i general end up looking like an ass.

i do know entirely too much about this subject, and if someone is to the point of putting it in writing they are either already getting some counseling or know they are going to need to. don't know any adult that is dealing with childhood abuse that needs or cares about anyones pity, just listening and acknowledging is more than enough.

as one of the moderators of survivors and friends of abuse, i also want to let member's know that these articles can be posted to the group only and if you start the comments in the survivors tab, alot of misunderstanding can be avioded.

Now i am going to spend time with my kids....so if you want to bad mouth me for awhile, feel free, i won't hear you and likely won't respond, but it will certainly move neenie up on the leader board.

  • 6 votes
Reply#14 - Thu Jun 4, 2009 2:02 PM EDT
nica1829

hi maddad - you have been in my thoughts lately - been sending you and your family all good vibes - hope things are moving in a positive direction for you and yours

a very good explanation and i appreciate all you have done for me - just reading what you write and having you read mine - its nice to know there are people out there that do understand

  • 5 votes
#14.1 - Thu Jun 4, 2009 2:14 PM EDT
DragonWoman

No one wants pity, and this is not a pity party.

But pushing and pushing, when sometimes it is better to let it go is counter productive and starts an unnecessary fight.

I am sure there was nothing hurtful intended initially, things were obviously taken out of context. (and some of the chit chat I think was done somewhere else and dragged onto this thread... quite frankly reminds me of high school)

We all have things we need to get off our chests. Many have been writing some seriously personal articles.... and trying to improve our writing skills as well. If someone "really intensive" comes along ... and there have been.... they are dealt with.

You can not hide, for fear of a troll.

Quite frankly post #13 is completely unnecessary and just plain mean spirited.

I loved the essay... I hate like hell what happened in the recount of a personal narrative.

I think it takes a hell of a lot of guts to put it out there.

Maddad: I am glad you are taking time off with the family... hope all is well

  • 5 votes
#14.2 - Thu Jun 4, 2009 3:04 PM EDT
DamageControlDeleted
neenie1991

Damage,

You are utterly incorrect. Your posts are offensive. You are off to a very inauspicious beginning in your less than 6 days on the vine. Newsvine in and of itself is not a blog. I would ask that you familiarize yourself with how seeds and articles work, how they are posted and to note what groups the articles are posted to. You might want to read the other comments as well for context.

The people who have posted to this article have commented on the writing and/or the content. Many of them have experienced abuse. I will not tolerate anyone being dismissive or insulting when it comes to that topic.

  • 3 votes
#14.4 - Sat Jun 6, 2009 9:34 PM EDT
US Citizen-658112

Neenie: I am glad you are willing and able to respond to offensive postings directed at yourself.

The Vine is many things to many people. To those who wish to share some of their most intense experiences, it helps them to do so, and the rest of the Viners to also have some insight into them doing so, as well as to support those who we feel we are able to do so.

For those who wrongly feel that the ability to post about something psychological is somehow a sign of weakness, I can assure you that people like Neenie are as tough as they come. To be able to summon the strength to write about it - and share it - requires almost unspeakable internal strength.

Rather than be dismissive of such a strong person, we should instead be honored to have happened accross and been enlightened by what we have read, so that we are better prepared to live our own lives, and stand ready to help those who have blazed the trail for the rest of us.....

  • 4 votes
#14.5 - Sun Jun 7, 2009 9:35 AM EDT
neenie1991

US,

Thank you for your response and positive words. You've made me feel better about writing the story, and the questioning I've been doing about posting it. I was feeling a little broadsided! Perhaps I should have prepared myself better. Live and learn...and share. Thank you again.

  • 2 votes
#14.6 - Sun Jun 7, 2009 10:03 AM EDT
Reply
Hekofawoman

neenie - I just adore you, but I don't want to respond to you right now as I'm at work and wouldn't be able to give you a worth comment at this time.....but I will be back (Hugs) my dear girl!!!

  • 3 votes
Reply#15 - Fri Jun 5, 2009 1:40 AM EDT
Dottie-515685

Neenie, this is a wonderful article. It is so beautifully written. The craftsmanship is wonderful. I also admire your courage in posting on this subject. I too am a sister survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I can empathize on how difficult it must have been to write. Well done!

  • 1 vote
Reply#16 - Tue Jun 9, 2009 2:37 PM EDT
neenie1991

Thank you very much Dottie. It means alot coming from a fellow survivor!

  • 1 vote
#16.1 - Tue Jun 9, 2009 8:43 PM EDT
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