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I'm through with menopause. Finished. Whew. I had surgically induced menopause ten years ago at age 35. I could not wait for my girl guts to be removed. They had caused me nothing but time, trouble and pain since the advent of my period or as it was once called, aptly for me, the curse.
I knew there were myths about 'the change'. I remember my Grandma and aunts talking about it. I thought we had become more enlightened. It’s the 21st century. I thought that as women we were a sisterhood, we communicated better, had more answers, shared and didn't keep secrets. I was WRONG!!!
Oh, there are lots of cute little jokes about hot flashes or power surges. Night sweats, hair loss and hair growth, skin changes and incontinence. Newsflash! These are just the tip of the iceberg and your post-menopausal friends are hiding the dark secrets of menopause from you. They're hiding their sadistic glee at watching you go through it, this is one of the symptoms.
Hot flashes: Sounds kind of harmless. Heat. Flash. A momentary feeling of being of overheated. Not! A hot flash is walking into 4x4 room with kiln wearing a fur coat while having heart palpitations, the door slamming behind you. Your skin feels like you feel asleep during a heat wave in Death Valley. This can last for several minutes, but it only seems like hours. Oh, and it can happen several times a day. Power surge my ass.
Night sweats: Closer to being apt. However you don't wake up in the morning with damp pajamas and say "Oh my, I must have become a little overheated whilst the sandman was here." Nay, nay. You will wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. You'll think you have suddenly developed malaria. Your light sleeping t-shirt is so wet you could wring it out and water your houseplants. Your hair is plastered to your skin. You are sticky and clammy as are your sheets and your pillow. You dry off, change and cool off, somewhat refreshed. Weary, bleary and confused you return to your slumber. Get your rest! It could happen again. Tonight.
Hair loss/Hair growth: Now gray hair isn't the only issue to be concerned about, the hair can begin to thin OR there is hair loss, on your head! Male pattern baldness (sexist, I know), the color starts to fade. The curtains no longer match the rug. Sometimes. Many women lose hair and gray "down there" as well. Have you had a woman "friend" mention this. Pffft. Then, yes it gets worse. Hair growth. Oh sure, make jokes about the poor guy whose eyebrows, nose hair and ear hair have grown out like kudzu. But be careful. Karma may bite you in the butt. Some men look great with a mustache. Women...not so much. I now have one. On one side. Sparse. But it's there. Bleach products have the effect of battery acid on my face, but feel free to try that. Plucking works, but it is hard to see in the mirror when you're crying. Electrolysis or laser is an option if you have a college fund for your child you want to dip into. I use a razor. Then...you have the wild hairs. We're talking about hair that could be harvested and used in the brushes used to clean barbeques. I have five on my chin and neck. Black as the ace of spades on my fair, aging skin. And nobody tells you about the gray, yes gray, and black hairs that appear around your nipples. Woo hoo! I didn't groom this much when I was twenty. Tweezers are my friend, they are not a tool, an instrument or some kind of handy plucking device. They are literally, my friend.
Skin changes: In the best of times, my skin was never great. After menopause, well some may blame it on aging, BUT remember I went through this at 35. Brown spots. Thickening. Glow? Brightness? Smooth and elastic? Yes! I buy Dutch Boy semi-gloss in nude peach and roll it on everyday. Delightful. Fills in pores and wrinkles, covers spots, evens out skin tone and gives you that youthful glow. Plus you can buy it by the gallon! Oh, and your neck. Remember in grade school when you would take your Elmer's glue and spread a thin coat on your hand and watch it dry and get crinkly and kind of like snake skin. Yeah, well that's what your neck will look like. And there's nothing you can do about it. Deal with it.
Incontinence: You thought you experienced this when you were pregnant. You were told to do Kegels and work those muscles and whip everything back into shape. Well, that is a lie perpetuated by the Kegel Foundation. You're going to work those muscles all right. Holding it in. This particular 'symptom' can develop into a real handicap. You actually have to stop and consider whether you want to sneeze, cough, stand-up, drink coffee - or anything, laugh, fart, bend over, I could go on. Who can control all of that and their bladder? I defy you to do it. Go ahead. Really. Try.
Being a woman is great. I wouldn't have it any other way. I just think it's time for someone to speak up and get these issues out in the open. No more cover-ups. No more illusions. We can handle it. Information is POWER! Sweaty broads with hairy chins UNITE!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to change my underwear. Damned allergies.
