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Johnny Carson once said, "The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
Fruitcake dates back to ancient Rome. Egyptians put it in the coffins of relatives and friends. In their search for the Holy Grail, the Crusaders packed it with them. It's been around for awhile. And no, it wasn't the same one. Stored properly, a fruitcake can last up to 3 years. (Oh, stop.)
My fruitcake journey started four years ago. My best friend was having a Christmas gathering that included a small band of discerning fruitcake lovers. She decided a fruitcake contest was in order. Three of us took the challenge. She, her brother and I would compete to see who made the best fruitcake. (No wise guys, that is not an oxymoron.) At the party we all enjoyed each of the fruitcakes, but there was to be a blind taste test with three judges. The votes would be tabulated by an independent, unimpeachable individual would advise us of the winner and the prize would be awarded. It was a nail biter.
I had never made fruitcake before. I only spent a month on the first batch. Four loaves of rich, dense fruity, nutty cake concoction. No shortage of rum and brandy. Delicious. Oh, quit cringing. I know that this much maligned holiday treat is a food that people are not on the fence about. Like liver and onions, reality TV and Tom Cruise, you either love it or hate it. It's either a gastronomic delight or a gastonomick sin. I could say, "You'd change your mind if you tried mine.", but I hate it when people say that. It might be true though. Suffice it to say I won that contest. I don't remember what the prize was, I do know it included cheesecloth. A must have when making fruitcake.
Since then I have requests for it, nay, orders for it. I made eight this year. This is a rather labor intensive process. Not a cheap date either. I start anywhere from 7 to 10 weeks before Christmas. Seven pounds of fruit and nuts for each four loaf batch, among other things. Oh, and about a fifth of booze for each batch. Go big or stay home. I won't tell you my secret ingredient is orange marmalade. That would be giving away too much.
Last year I sent two to my best friend. The clerk asks me if I have any firearms, alcohol or explosives in the box. I say no, just fruitcake. He looks up and says, "No, really, what's in the box?". Seriously.
I know there are fruitcake lovers out there. Stand up and be counted! Tell me why you love it. What your memories are. There could be a fruitcake in it for you. (Hey, hey, that's not a threat to a fruitcake lover.) If you can't bring yourself to consider that, if your stomach turns and roils, I get it. I know the fruitcake jokes will roll in, tell me one I haven't heard. Have a favorite Christmas treat that isn't fruitcake (perish the thought) share that too. I actually love a frosted sugar cookie...those 7 layer thingies aren't bad...peanut butter fudge...gingerbr
