Normally, this sort of thing doesn't faze me. Write sports for a living (especially online, as I do for SI.com), insults come with the turf. You're dumb. You suck. You're an idiot. You're a moron. I'll never read your crap again. That's the %#$$ #$@@#$ %$$# thing I've ever heard. How do you have a job? Go to hell. Screw yourself. Drop dead.

I've heard them all, and aside from occasionally entertaining my wife with a reading from my Greatest Hits Packet ("I call it my 'Go back to Africa' folder," says Howard Bryant, an African-American ESPN.com senior writer), I turn the other cheek and move on.

But not this time.

This time, I aspired to know why Matt, cloaked in the anonymity provided by the internet, felt the need to respond in such a way to, of all things, a Jeff Bagwell post.

So, going deep, deep, deep undercover, I tracked him down and, shortly after our exchange, gave him a call.

Quite frankly, I wanted to hate him. I wanted to bash him. I wanted to plaster his name, address and personal information atop a column on CNN.com, so that when someone Googled his name for future employment, they'd find the words "Sent me a link to pornographic material."

Hello gentlemen! The time has come for me to get back out in the dating and loving world! I got some advice from the interweb and decided to take a big breath and get to it! They say to be honest, be specific and be positive. NO problem. I call it like I see it. I do. I'm told you guys like to know what a gal looks like too. I'll do my best. Here goes!

Now, I'm no beauty queen, but I wouldn't describe myself as a double-bagger either. I would put up a picture but the last time anyone got one of me was at the Volunteer Fireman's picnic in 1998 and I didn't look my best. It was a very hot day and I was sweatin' like a politician in a confessional. What could I do but take my bra off. The spandex shorts were sticky enough. The old biddies from church were scandalized, but the kids had a great time flinging water balloons with my brassiere. Anyway, not the most flattering photograph. I'm not sure what exactly HWP means to a person. I'd have to say I'm a cross between say, Dog the Bounty Hunters wife Beth (Don't you love that show?) and that actress Kirstie Alley. I don't have all that hair. Funny story. I was in Wal-Mart a couple of weeks ago buying some shotgun shells and some guy is testing out a fishing rod and damned if he didn't hook that thing into my wig and yank it right off! Scared the bejeezus out of a four year old in the next aisle. Some people got zero sense. My wig hasn't been the same since. He did buy the rod though. You gotta look at the bright side. I do have most of my teeth, the important ones. People say that the mole on my left cheek is so distracting that they really don't notice that I'm cross-eyed. That's a blessing. I'm told that I have nice legs considering. They say not everybody shows off cankles like I do. I think it's because I don't shave my legs. Texture is important and it sets me apart from the rest of the crowd. So I guess that about covers the "looks" department. Well, I am missing two fingers on my left hand but it pains me to talk about it, I just can't forgive my cousin Ernie for that.

I live in a fine home. I own it free and clear. It's a double-wide with a carport and it's own shed. Don't worry about me looking for a sugar daddy. I can take care of myself. I'm also a great cook. I fry up some tasty catfish. Also, my Cajun frog legs are to die for. (Giggin' for frogs is a fun hobby, I am an outdoorsy gal.) And nothing tastes better than a pan of brownies with chocolate sauce, ice-cream, whipped cream and nuts. Now, if I'm going to have a caller, I'll make two pans.

I am an animal lover. No...I am not one of those crazy cat ladies you hear about. I only have 7 and they have their own room. It’s weird but the house settled kind of funny in that back corner and everything rolls to the south wall. I made the best of it. I just pour about 30 pounds of kitty litter along that wall and presto! a ready made litter box. Clever, right? Once every month or two I shovel it out the window and do it again. You know what they say, necessity is the mother of intervention.

Lastly, when it comes to things of an intimate nature, I have to say I've never heard any complaints. I share my bed with my 150 pound English mastiff Tiny, but he doesn't mind if I have an overnight guest. He'll just scooch on over. He won’t get in the way of any “activities”. I wouldn’t make any loud noises though. Just in case. I am a rather heavy sleeper and Tiny does snore. I believe that's why previous guests have found it necessary to leave before sunrise in an effort to get some rest. Sad really, I perform best sexually in the early morning.

By now I think you must have a pretty good picture in your mind of the kind of woman I am. I can be a handful but I think I'm quite the catch. I've had men tell me I'm just too much woman for them. It's a curse. If you think you are the man, shoot me an e-mail and let's get together.

Oh, by the way, you can't catch me on Wednesday nights, that's bingo night at the VFW hall.

Shhhh........This is secret and no one is supposed to know. However, it just so happens that so-and-so called what's-his-face a bugger head. This was followed by a slap fest where what's-his-face returned the favor and jibbed so-and-so with the ever classic, "My daddy can wup your daddy!"

Not to be out done, Fa-la-la-la-la quickly jumped in and took sides with so-and-so. This was followed by a chorus of "hallelujah" by angels on high who decided not to step in, out of fear of getting their feather torn off.

Fa-la-la-la-la quickly gave a shout out to his mom and started swinging with "IS SO!" What's-his-face was soon backed up by whoflugdung screaming "DID NOT!" This classic move was played numerous times as each tried to out do the other. The round was ended when so-and-so cried out "NANNY-NANNY-BOO-BOO!" It was an OMG, you did not go there moment that stunned everyone into silence.

The thread was quite for a short period, until Ima-Prick wrote a new article extolling the virtual of the use of "Nanny-Nanny-Boo-Boo!" This lead Wo-is-me to write another article on the virtue of denouncing the para-military group that calls themselves "The Girl Scouts!" This lead to an utter madhouse of intrepid terms that no 5th grader would dare mention being posted!

Of course, it did not take long for kick-me-im-an-idiot to jump into the fray with the heavily overused, "Your momma was a test-tube." That was not only uncalled for, but also a low blow and when the hall monitor showed up and handed out OT slips, so-and-so broke down and cried. This was followed with her threatening to take her ball and go home.

After recess, more people showed up and continued the fight. There was dick-head, ankle-biter and ipfreely siding with what's-his-face, while cherrypickr, dipsh!t and semore-hynnie sided with so-and-so. The fight went on and on as newer and even better insults were drawn up to inflame the situation. It was quite similar to a meeting of Congress!

Ankle-biter used a quote from William Faulkner, "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." Which was leading the insults until semore-hynnie used one from Jack Leonard, "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." It was probably the most intellectual things said in a fight on Newsvine in several years.

The overall mood was one of anger, trepidation, and paranoia when two individuals try to calm thing down and end the ridiculous argument. Yet, as always, there would be none of that. So-and-so posted her angry rant about what's-his-face spitting in her Capris Sun when he took a drink and what's-his-face accused her of swiping his cookies. This was followed by dipsh!t asking her for cookies and so-and-so yelling back that she did nto have cookies, she only had pudding cups.

After several days the fight petered-out and the posts dried out. Yet, we all know we can count on another one happening any day now!! So, just wait, the rumor mill will churn another out for us!

So, what do you think? I have META down pat or what?

The old-fashioned horror movies just don't cut it anymore. 'Back in the day', the Wolfman, Dracula, the Mummy and Frankenstein really spooked people because those were archetypes that resonated with the fears of a simpler time. But not any more...

How can we cringe at Dracula any more, when insurance companies 'feed on the blood of the living' in the millions every day, and the biggest bloodsuckers of all give each other bonuses after they eat your house & suck up your retirement plan? Who can get freaked out over a poor sad whack like Larry Talbot the Wolfman tripping out under a full moon, when your next door neighbor turns out to be John Wayne Gacy or Jeff Dahmer? Hell, compared to the things you meet living in (or just driving through) America's inner-cities, vampires and werewolves look pretty chummy...

Yes, we're past the mutant giant ants, big rubber sharks, the Aliens and Predators & your basic lurching risen-from-the-grave flesh eaters. We live in a pluralistic and badly fragmented society, and the old simple images of paranoia don't arouse the universal skin-crawling fear they once did. To be a really solid box-office contender in contemporary society, a horror movie should embrace a broad range of multi-cultural fears, chain-saw down into the secret ass-clamping terrors of diverse clumps of cultural gristle bubbling around in the American melting pot. After months of intensive psychological-profile research (well, a couple hours pounding Jeager-shots & skimming back issues of 'Psychology Today'), a definitive screenplay has emerged for the ultimate, all-encompassing cross-cultural contemporary horror-flick.

Blue Moon Studios & Carl Denham, Ltd. proudly present:

The MAOTFFZCHASFNZFMCIANWOTHTFOS!!!

Opening: (Helicopter shot) of the biker gang roaring across the New Mexico desert. (Zoom in) to focus on black leather vest with embroidered insignia: Hog-Riding Capitalist Tools. At the head of this vicious pack rides their leader, John-boy Thumpsem (Vin Diesel); they are headed north-east to attack a gay-rights rally in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. At a sun-scorched roadside bar in Badcarma, Texas, John-boy spots the lovely barmaid Maria Cravezit (Eva Mendez), a poli-sci dropout from UCLA Berkeley now stranded slinging chili & warm beer in this dead-end pissant town. Captivated by this smokin' hot babe, he persuades her to come with him, little knowing that her ruby nipples and seductive Women's Lib dialogue will slowly erode his dull-witted macho supremacy… (dissolve )

(fade in) Meanwhile in Philly, sensitive homosexual activist Trent Allgood (Orlando Bloom) struggles to keep the fragile coalition of gay-rights leaders intact. His major opponent is the charismatic Belinda Lasher (Angelina Jolie), head of the militant lesbian group LKA (Ladies Kick Ass), who plans to turn the Rainbow Parade into a violent confrontation with the corrupt & brutal arch-conservative Police Commissioner Hardwick Caine (Keanu Reeves). Neither Trent nor Belinda realize that their factions are being cleverly manipulated by Andrew Judas (Christopher Walken), a cross-dressing FBI infiltrator whose fanatic patriotism masks the tortured inner conflict between his rigid Baptist upbringing and his fatal obsession with lace lingerie.

Aboard a plane from Mexico City to Philadelphia is brilliant Leftist organizer Carlo Marx (Antonio Banderas), who dreams of uniting the gay workers of the world into a rock-solid political union of disaffected hairdressers, alienated interior decorators & seditious female soccer coaches. On the shuttle bus leaving the airport, two opposing subversives eye each other murderously: Israeli militant Levi Strauss (Elijah Wood) and Hassan ibn Sabah (Brad Pitt), operative of the notorious Middle Eastern underground group Haffass. The two spies are both unwittingly en route to collect monies the same clandestine 'banker', a CIA surveillance operative known to them as Malcomb Ecks (Will Smith). In downtown Philadelphia, Carlo, Levi and Hassan contemptuously bypass a desperate coke-addicted streetwalker named Candy Stickey (Paris Hilton).

In a warehouse laboratory on the industrial outskirts of Philly, crazed particle physicist Alexander Graham Tesla (Johnny Depp) makes the final adjustments on his greatest invention—the Homogenization Field Generator. A paranoid schizophrenic pacifist follower of L. Ron Hubbard, Tesla's goal is to end racial, religious and social conflicts forever--when he flips the switch, the HFG will convert everyone in Philadelphia into a trans-ethnic, pan-doctrinal & environmentally-conscious uber-group: the New Human Race. Once the city is transmogrified, cells of enlightened New Humans will smuggle Homogenization Field devices around the world, until the entire planet is amalgamated into the Really United Nations. (Outside the laboratory, a thunderous roar of engines fills the street as the Hog-Riding Capitalist Tools roll into town.)

Out near the Moon, an alien flying saucer drops out of hyperspace and begins monitoring transmissions from Earth; unfortunately, they receive simultaneous broadcasts of 'America's Funniest Home Videos', Rush Limbaugh, 'Cops', Keith Olbermann, re-runs of 'The Dukes of Hazzard' and 'Dancing With The Stars'. The ET's conclusion is inevitable-- despite the presence of advanced intelligences like dolphins and the humpback whales, humanity must be exterminated for the good of the galaxy. Hurtling along the plot-line toward Philadelphia, the alien executioners prepare to fire their terrible Exaggeration Beam, enlarging the city's rat population into gigantic flesh-eating rodent monsters that will eventually devour every man, woman and child on the planet.

John-boy leads the bike gang into downtown Philly as Trent & Belinda's gay-activist marchers fill the streets. Mad Dr. Tesla starts the final countdown even as opposing Middle Eastern fanatics Levi and Hassan stand with smoking guns over the body of Malcomb Ecks. Commissioner Hardwick orders the Riot Squad into action while FBI agent Judas (in a silk baby-doll nightie) babbles his final report into a cell phone. Lesbian ninjas decimate the riot-cops and Carlo the socialist tosses his leaflets into a storm drain when Candy the crack-whore offers a two-hour hooter for a 20 dollar rock. Alien tentacles curl over the controls of the Exaggeration Beam as the screen fills with a (jump-cut) montage of (sing to the tune of 'My Favorite Things): skinheads and faggots & Middle East plotters, fascists and peaceniks and Bolshevik stalkers, bikers and hookers who turn tricks daily, these are just some of the scenes that you'll see. The Exaggeration Beam streams down over the city at the exact instant the Mad Scientologist pushes the final button of the Homogenization Field---a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT!!! (fade to white)

(fade in) Smoke and dust obscure the devastated rubble of Philadelphia…an ominous, hulking form stirs amid the gloom. (Camera pulls back) from a close-up of enormous high-heeled, sequined Nike Airs-- (slow pan, up) to fishnet pantyhose stretched over huge knobby knees… A towering monster in leather drag lurches amid the shattered remains of skyscrapers, a specter of doom that chills the blood… The red glare of sunset paints lurid highlights over the 50-foot tall figure of—DENNIS RODMAN as…The 50-Foot Zombie Crackhead Homo Atheist Socialist Fundamentalist Neocon Zionist Feminist Muslim CIA NWO TreeHugging Terrorist From Outer Space!!!. . . . (fade to black…) . . . .(Roll Credits)

Coming Soon to a Theater Near YOU!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the long anticipated and hotly debated response to Mz. Cyprah's legendary article, "The 5 Key Elements That Attract Women to Men." That was the article that inspired me to shoot my mouth off and ask the impeccably insightful Mz. Cyprah to write a gender-equitable exchange in the form of an article from the man's point of view. This is, after all, the dawning if the 21st century, and we should be able to keep a level playing field when discussing the Happiness of Pursuit.

Mz. Cyprah, being the intuitive and intelligent woman that she is, immediately agreed. She insisted I start writing it immediately. When I protested that she should be the one to write it, she enlisted the aid of a certain "dkaz" personality who is, apparently, some sort of temporal Act of God.
Between the two of them, I should have realized I didn't have a hut in a hurricane's chance of squirming out of this one. They gang-swarmed me. After a little bit of haggling over the deadline (it made the loveliest "wooshing" sound as it sailed past) I agreed to write the article.
That will teach me to shoot my mouth off on a Mz Cyprah column.

The First Key Element: Looks

Before you start screaming "shallow sexist pig" at me, let's take a breath and admit to some facts of life. All of us, men and women, like to look at pleasant things. Pleasant things make us feel good. If I sit on a beach and admire the sunset, nobody calls me sexist or shallow. It's nature and it's natural. Is a woman any less a product of nature? Is it any less natural to admire a beautiful woman?
Okay, then. If I walk into a room with ten unknown women lined up against a wall, my eyes are going to beeline to the one who is most appealing to my particular taste, and each and every one of you would do the same. Any one who thinks they would do otherwise, please raise your hand.
All right. You folks with your hands up?

You're lying.

All right, so what is "attractive"? Damned if I know. That's dependent on individual taste. My taste is predominately eclectic. I don't know what's going to attract me until it does. I like a calm beauty. That will make me weak in the knees. I can't describe it any other way.
I like an easy smile. I have a preference for dark hair and dark eyes, but the last passion in my life was a green-eyed blond. I love to watch a woman who moves and speaks with confidence. Not conceit, not arrogance, but just calm and self-assured.
Individual features are less important than the over-all ambiance. It's the whole package. It' s that unknown quotient of mysterious components that attracts me. Calm beauty. If I could describe it any better I'd bottle it and become an eccentric millionaire.
Looks are an attraction. Like the old saying goes, "Looking at you doesn't help me to understand you. But still, I love looking at you. "
Isn't that nice?

The Second Key Element: Communication

This is the make or break element. No matter how much fun it is to look at her, if the communication fails to materialize, my idea of "fun" is going to be severely crippled.
I have one simple rule for communication.

"Say what you mean. Mean what you say."

If she comes home from work and kills the cat with the look in her eye and says, "I had a crappy day, leave me alone," well, why shouldn't I take her at her word? I'm not suicidal.
We, us neanderthals, "guys", we can be dense when it comes to anticipating your needs. We love that you're women, and so strikingly different from us, and soft and curvy and everything that that implies, but deep down we wish you could communicate like men do. Because no matter how hard we try, it's tough.
Communication is similar to making music. The notes are important, but so are the silences in between the notes. Some of us are lucky enough to have been with someone who understands us so well that communication can be eye contact, body language, or the right touch at the right time.
Conversely, some of us have known people who can talk a hole through your brain pan and never say a dang thing.
Sometimes communication can be "I don't want to talk about it right now." But if it's important, you'd better be prepared to talk about it later.
Whatever communication method works best, do it and do it often.

The Third Key Element: Patience and Acceptance.

I know, that's two. Tough. It's my article and I can do whatever I want.

When that ultimate partner finally comes along, we want that relationship to last forever. Forever is a long time. It will seem agonizingly long if you're the type who expects instant gratification.
It's neither desirable nor fun to learn everything you want to know about somebody in the first year. Or even the first five. the process of discovery should be patient, thorough and erotic. It could last the rest of your life. Enjoy it.
Wouldn't it be awesome if, after 50 years of marriage, your wife did something that just stunned you because it was so unexpected? Let's say, for instance, she was a staunch pacifist and then one day, in the middle of a disagreement, she suddenly picked up the alarm clock and chucked it at your head.

That would make me fall in love all over again.
Provided she missed, of course.

Patience is a journey, not a goal, and that journey is fueled by acceptance. Where I live, there's a woman I don't like very much, but she once said something very profound. She said, "Don't waste your time trying to change somebody. Go find some one who doesn't need changing." I like that.
Ultimately, what I will accept and what I will be patient about are my choices. She has the same choices. During that long delirious process of learning about someone, inevitably something will come up. Now I'll have to make a decision. She's beautiful. She's hysterically funny. She's smart. The sex is mind-boggling. But can I live for the rest of my life with someone who sounds like a flock of parrots when she laughs?
I'm exaggerating, but you see my point.
Patience. Acceptance.

The Fourth Key Element: Devotion.

What an odd word. There's something slightly corny about it. It's almost embarrassing to say it out loud. But it's a critical part of a strong relationship because it encompasses all those other powerful and essential relationship words. Truth. Trust. Honesty. Fidelity.
I like devotion in a relationship. It makes me feel omnipotent. It makes me feel on top of the world. It makes me happy. It makes you feel that way too. Don't lie. Why do you think people like puppies?
I like knowing there is one person who will back me up, share my joys and miseries, build me up in the eyes of others, tell me I'm full of crap when I'm wrong and make me feel like a god when I'm right.
I can say this without a trace of self consciousness or arrogance or ego. I'll tell you why.
Because she will receive the full and equal measure of devotion from me. Having confidence in mutual devotion will make a relationship immortal.

The Fifth Key Element: Humor

This should have been at the top of the list but, you know, save the best for last and all that.
Humor is the essence of what attracts me to a woman. Humor is subversive, subtle and erotic. I can't think of anything more intimate and connecting than humor.
Well, okay, sex. But humor runs a close second.
Humor manifests itself in a myriad of forms. A very smart man once said, "Some people will never understand why a pickle is funny and a carrot is not."
Exactly.
If you've ever been with a group of people when something was said or done and you and your partner were the only two laughing, that's a good omen. You share the same sense of humor. You'll probably be together forever.
Ain't love grand?

Okay, for what it's worth, that's it. The top five things that attract me to women.
I might add that if the last four become highly developed and real love blossoms, the first one becomes irrelevant.

I can see the hands going up. "Wait, wait", you're saying. '"You didn't mention making love."
Well, no. I didn't mention food, either. Sex, like food, is a given. It is assumed that there is plenty of the right kinds of both in a strong relationship. I know what turns me on. She knows what turns me on. I know what turns her on. if you think I'm going to share this most intimate part of my life with you loons, you're nuts. Grab your partner, go home, and figure it out for your selves.

Don't forget to laugh.

(Excerpt) During the forming of this list I was blown away by the sheer number of patriotic films that have been made in the US. In going through the pile of possibilities, I have intentionally chosen not to just represent saccharine movies which show only the good side of life – the films I have picked include war films, films about corruption, and films involving racism. There is, however, one underlying current in all of them – they all involve the triumph of freedom – the very heart of American patriotism.

This list was published a year ago, but nothing has changed, still a terrific list. How many have you seen?

Movie dad you will never forget. Or some you may try to! Who is your favorite? Atticus Finch is at the top of my list, but Eugene Levy in American Pie slays me.

Wearing a camouflage suit and tie, Stephen Colbert took his show to Baghdad to entertain U.S. soldiers in Iraq. For openers, President Barack Obama appeared by video to thank the troops.

"You're welcome," the mock pundit answered.

"I wasn't talking to you," the president deadpanned.

To the roaring approval of hundreds of troops at Camp Victory, on the western edge of Baghdad, Colbert taped the first of four episodes of "The Colbert Report," in which he plays a pompous, blustering conservative TV host.

His first guest was the towering, bald Gen. Ray Odierno. When Obama and the U.S. commander suggested Colbert had to look like a soldier in order to be a soldier, the general took an electric razor to Colbert's perfectly parted cable-news coif.

The four shows are being taped in the domed marble hall at Saddam Hussein's former Al Faw Palace are to air this week starting Monday on Comedy Central.

Colbert has promoted the trip for weeks, but only vaguely because the military urged caution. Instead, the pundit introduced segments with a jaunty theme: "Where in the World and When in Time is Stephen Colbert Going to Be in the Persian Gulf?"

At Camp Victory, Colbert was in typical, cluelessly egotistical form. He showed a clip pretending that he himself didn't know his destination until he got off the plane and somebody threw a shoe at him.

In another skit, he arrived at Fort Jackson, S.C., in a stretch limousine for "the full 10 hours" of basic training, then struggled to do push-ups and sit-ups while a drill sergeant barked at him.

And, concluding that the six-year war in Iraq must be over because nobody's talking about it anymore, Colbert said he would take it upon himself to make it official: "By the power vested in me by basic cable, I officially declare we have won the Iraq war!"

(To bolster his point, he offered a list of successes, including finding weapons of mass destruction — "easier than we thought" — and told the troops Obama should deploy them to General Motors.)

Odierno gently took issue with the self-sure pundit's suggestion the war had ended.

"We're not quite ready to declare victory," he said. "Things are moving forward but again, it's about bringing long-term stability."

Colbert, who sat at a desk propped up by sandbags painted to make up an American flag, responded by asking Odierno if he can bring long-term stability to the United States when he's done in Iraq.

The 45-year-old comedian, who traveled to Iraq from Kuwait on Friday on board a military transport plane, has said he decided make the trip when he noticed economic news coverage was eclipsing reports from Baghdad.

"It must be nice here in Iraq because I understand some of you keep coming back again and again," he joked. "You've earned so many frequent flier miles, you've earned a free ticket to Afghanistan."

He also joked about the economic crisis, congratulating one soldier in the audience who recently got his college degree while serving in Iraq for being the only 2009 graduate able to land a job.

Former Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, chided by Colbert throughout the campaign for his advanced age, made a surprise appearance, thanking the troops in a video for their service and reminding them to clean their muskets.

Many celebrities have visited Iraq to entertain the troops. But Colbert's series — "Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando" — marks the first time anyone has broadcast a taped, non-news talk show fully produced and broadcast from Iraq as part of a USO tour.

USO senior official John Hanson said the production faced a major setback when a sandstorm grounded the crew on Saturday, forcing it to cancel plans for an outing.

Both the character and the real Colbert are ardent supporters of the troops. He has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the Yellow Ribbon Fund, which helps injured service members and their families, and is a board member of DonorsChoose.org, which is raising money for the education of children of military parents.

Colbert planned the trip after former Assistant Defense Secretary Bing West suggested it last summer following an interview "The Colbert Report." The show sent about 30 production workers, about a third of its regular staff, to Iraq.

Troops in the audience said they enjoyed Colbert's equal opportunity humor.

"Definitely the highlight was seeing him sacrifice his hair," said Spc. Ryan MacLeod, 35, of Greenville, S.C.

___

Comedy Central is owned by Viacom Inc.

___

On the Net:

http://www.uso.org/

http://www.colbertnation.com/

http://www.donorschoose.org/

The most important thing about being an exceptional talent, is being able to handle the fame.

Newspapers reported that Boyle ran down a corridor shouting, "I hate this show," ("Britons Got Talent") after her defeat and said she threw a cup of water on a floor manager who tried to calm her down.

There is a bunch of them one after the other. Here is one:

A Little Gas

"A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (about $240)
for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde,
the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer
that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the
vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a "four-legged
flame-thrower" and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay.
Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was
unharmed. AP "

One hot Summer day a bunch of my friends and I were cruising around in a boat on the Sacramento river. Drinking beer and listening to music. A classic CCR song came on. One of my friends began singing along with gusto, "There's a bathroom on the right..." We all started laughing so hard that the boat was in danger of capsizing. Once we recovered, we corrected her on the mistaken lyric.

I think, I know , we've all fallen victim to the misunderstood lyric phenomenon. I've memorized the incorrect song lyric and even after I've learned the correct line, well damn it...it's in my head the wrong way now. What to do?

When I was a kid, I could not figure out why Bennie, of Bennie and the Jets, had electric boobs and a mohair suit. Seemed like a fire hazard to me.

The Eagle's song, Hotel California is legend for misheard lyrics. My line was, "her mind is definitely twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz". Well, not so much. The lyric is " her mind is Tiffany twisted", I'll never remember that.

Manfred Mann has a famous one. I'm not alone. You know it, or a variation. "Wrapped up like a douche, and then he rode her in the night". Welllll, how about, "Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night"?

Sometimes the mistaken lyric can provide insight into the person, sometimes it's just plain crazy. There are purists who MUST know the exact words. There are folks who don't care and have fun with it. When I get an album I can't wait to read the liner notes and lyrics. Sometimes you discover a whole new side to a song.

There are books and websites devoted to misheard and misunderstood lyrics. Want a laugh? Check it out. But not before you confess to your own misheard lyric discoveries!

www.kissthisguy.com
www.misheard.com

You can intepret the prompt any way you want from "that woman was so hot she made me do crazy things at Niagra falls" to "it was so hot that I sat in the oven to cool off" to whatever else your damaged minds can think of. Make me proud.

First, the rules
The rules here are pretty basic: I, or someone else, picks the topic. You write about it for 10 minutes and then must stop.

The time must be spent writing, not editing.

Editing is a no-no in this exercise. The idea is to make your inner editor shut up. Everyone who writes is asked to provide constructive criticism for all other writers.

A detailed essay on why exercises like this work and are good for you is here.

More food for thought for writers is here (about Peter Elbow and Annie Dillard) and here (listening matters!)

Links to other writing advice and writing experiments are available via the writing advice group