A friend and I were walking in the mall yesterday and I stopped at the water fountain to get a drink. He was a bit nervous to take a drink, but I assured him that I would keep and eye out and let him get a quick refreshing drink of water.

See the problem is that my friend is a homosexual.

We weren't sure, since the laws have been changed, whether he was supposed to drink from a separate water fountain. Luckily, I also drove so there wasn't any trepidation about taking public transportation and where exactly he'd be forced to sit.

I wonder who's going to stand up from the homosexual community and tell people that they're not going to sit at the back of the bus. That they're not going to drink from separate fountains. They're not going to be told that what they feel is wrong because some people have the misguided notion that marriage is only between a man and a woman.

People are now arguing that the discrimination against homosexuals isn't the same as the discrimination towards African Americans over the course of our history. The defense is that African Americans didn't have a choice but to be born black.

Not only is this offensive to every homosexual man and woman who never had a choice about who they love, but rather just loved. It's also a disgusting way of characterizing the struggle of African Americans in our society.

At a time when our nation has opened its arms to our first black president, we're also jumping in a DeLorean and heading back to 1955 where discrimination and bigotry were commonplace.

It goes along with the culture of fear that has been instilled in our society over the past 100 years and hammered into our heads over the past 10 years since 9/11.

We are to fear everything and not stop shopping. Keep your eyes open because someone, even your neighbor could be a terrorist. Go to the mall, but be on the lookout for suspicious individuals. Fly around the country and see our nations beautiful sights, but don't bring hair gel or nail clippers on the plane. We're not worried about you, but rather the terrorist who is planning on taking over the plane with nail clippers or blowing it up with an aerosol can filled with explosives. Don't forget that the peanuts and soda is complimentary and that if you let men marry men, then your husband will soon be leaving you for another man.

This country was founded on the idea that all men were created equal and that they all reserve the right to decide what is right and wrong in their own lives. It wasn't to promote lawlessness, but rather to give people the choice to live as they desired.

It's freedom.

Today, people in America equate freedom and democracy. The problem with that is that democracy does allow you the freedom to choose, but it's a majority rule. It's a way of living where you can control a portion of the population by securing one more vote than the person who opposes you.

(The obvious exception to this rule is Florida, where you need a 60% approval in order to make changes. Ironically, the bill to change the percentage needed to approve changing the state constitution only received 57% of the vote.) 

The United States should be about granting and protecting the rights of her citizens, not taking them away.

Imagine that you spend 20 years with the person who you know to be the love of your life. Now imagine that person is in a car accident and is unconscious, in a hospital, about to die, and you're not allowed to see them. You're not allowed to hold their hand and let them feel your love as they die. You're not allowed to kiss them on the cheek and tell them how much they've meant to you over the years. You're not allowed to wrap your arms around them and tell them how much you love them and how much you will carry their spirit with you for the rest of your life.

My father is a Vietnam War veteran. He's 63 years old and it's safe to say that he's set in his ways. He's seen the good and bad of mankind. He's seen more than I would ever want to or could ever dream of. His beliefs are set in stone and there isn't a chance that I would be able to make him change his mind. One of the greatest things my father said to me was that he might not agree with what I have to say, but as an American, he would fight to his death for my right to say it.

That's the beauty of the American people.

You don't have to agree with what your neighbor does, but you should stand up and proudly defend their right to do as they choose.

I will stand as long as I have to, so that my friend may drink as much as much as he might possibly want. I will give my seat on the bus so that he can sit. I will fight anyone who wants to fight his freedom to choose who he loves and spends his life with.

That hole that's inside me,

that place with the wall,

no chink in the mortar,

no entrance at all.

Then I discovered,

protection or no,

the danger is within,

and nowhere to go.

It fractured, saw daylight,

for only a breath.

I repaired with haste.

It scared me to death.

The hole's closed back over.

My heart has been schooled.

The wall is recovered.

I'm no more the fool.

Hello gentlemen! The time has come for me to get back out in the dating and loving world! I got some advice from the interweb and decided to take a big breath and get to it! They say to be honest, be specific and be positive. NO problem. I call it like I see it. I do. I'm told you guys like to know what a gal looks like too. I'll do my best. Here goes!

Now, I'm no beauty queen, but I wouldn't describe myself as a double-bagger either. I would put up a picture but the last time anyone got one of me was at the Volunteer Fireman's picnic in 1998 and I didn't look my best. It was a very hot day and I was sweatin' like a politician in a confessional. What could I do but take my bra off. The spandex shorts were sticky enough. The old biddies from church were scandalized, but the kids had a great time flinging water balloons with my brassiere. Anyway, not the most flattering photograph. I'm not sure what exactly HWP means to a person. I'd have to say I'm a cross between say, Dog the Bounty Hunters wife Beth (Don't you love that show?) and that actress Kirstie Alley. I don't have all that hair. Funny story. I was in Wal-Mart a couple of weeks ago buying some shotgun shells and some guy is testing out a fishing rod and damned if he didn't hook that thing into my wig and yank it right off! Scared the bejeezus out of a four year old in the next aisle. Some people got zero sense. My wig hasn't been the same since. He did buy the rod though. You gotta look at the bright side. I do have most of my teeth, the important ones. People say that the mole on my left cheek is so distracting that they really don't notice that I'm cross-eyed. That's a blessing. I'm told that I have nice legs considering. They say not everybody shows off cankles like I do. I think it's because I don't shave my legs. Texture is important and it sets me apart from the rest of the crowd. So I guess that about covers the "looks" department. Well, I am missing two fingers on my left hand but it pains me to talk about it, I just can't forgive my cousin Ernie for that.

I live in a fine home. I own it free and clear. It's a double-wide with a carport and it's own shed. Don't worry about me looking for a sugar daddy. I can take care of myself. I'm also a great cook. I fry up some tasty catfish. Also, my Cajun frog legs are to die for. (Giggin' for frogs is a fun hobby, I am an outdoorsy gal.) And nothing tastes better than a pan of brownies with chocolate sauce, ice-cream, whipped cream and nuts. Now, if I'm going to have a caller, I'll make two pans.

I am an animal lover. No...I am not one of those crazy cat ladies you hear about. I only have 7 and they have their own room. It’s weird but the house settled kind of funny in that back corner and everything rolls to the south wall. I made the best of it. I just pour about 30 pounds of kitty litter along that wall and presto! a ready made litter box. Clever, right? Once every month or two I shovel it out the window and do it again. You know what they say, necessity is the mother of intervention.

Lastly, when it comes to things of an intimate nature, I have to say I've never heard any complaints. I share my bed with my 150 pound English mastiff Tiny, but he doesn't mind if I have an overnight guest. He'll just scooch on over. He won’t get in the way of any “activities”. I wouldn’t make any loud noises though. Just in case. I am a rather heavy sleeper and Tiny does snore. I believe that's why previous guests have found it necessary to leave before sunrise in an effort to get some rest. Sad really, I perform best sexually in the early morning.

By now I think you must have a pretty good picture in your mind of the kind of woman I am. I can be a handful but I think I'm quite the catch. I've had men tell me I'm just too much woman for them. It's a curse. If you think you are the man, shoot me an e-mail and let's get together.

Oh, by the way, you can't catch me on Wednesday nights, that's bingo night at the VFW hall.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the long anticipated and hotly debated response to Mz. Cyprah's legendary article, "The 5 Key Elements That Attract Women to Men." That was the article that inspired me to shoot my mouth off and ask the impeccably insightful Mz. Cyprah to write a gender-equitable exchange in the form of an article from the man's point of view. This is, after all, the dawning if the 21st century, and we should be able to keep a level playing field when discussing the Happiness of Pursuit.

Mz. Cyprah, being the intuitive and intelligent woman that she is, immediately agreed. She insisted I start writing it immediately. When I protested that she should be the one to write it, she enlisted the aid of a certain "dkaz" personality who is, apparently, some sort of temporal Act of God.
Between the two of them, I should have realized I didn't have a hut in a hurricane's chance of squirming out of this one. They gang-swarmed me. After a little bit of haggling over the deadline (it made the loveliest "wooshing" sound as it sailed past) I agreed to write the article.
That will teach me to shoot my mouth off on a Mz Cyprah column.

The First Key Element: Looks

Before you start screaming "shallow sexist pig" at me, let's take a breath and admit to some facts of life. All of us, men and women, like to look at pleasant things. Pleasant things make us feel good. If I sit on a beach and admire the sunset, nobody calls me sexist or shallow. It's nature and it's natural. Is a woman any less a product of nature? Is it any less natural to admire a beautiful woman?
Okay, then. If I walk into a room with ten unknown women lined up against a wall, my eyes are going to beeline to the one who is most appealing to my particular taste, and each and every one of you would do the same. Any one who thinks they would do otherwise, please raise your hand.
All right. You folks with your hands up?

You're lying.

All right, so what is "attractive"? Damned if I know. That's dependent on individual taste. My taste is predominately eclectic. I don't know what's going to attract me until it does. I like a calm beauty. That will make me weak in the knees. I can't describe it any other way.
I like an easy smile. I have a preference for dark hair and dark eyes, but the last passion in my life was a green-eyed blond. I love to watch a woman who moves and speaks with confidence. Not conceit, not arrogance, but just calm and self-assured.
Individual features are less important than the over-all ambiance. It's the whole package. It' s that unknown quotient of mysterious components that attracts me. Calm beauty. If I could describe it any better I'd bottle it and become an eccentric millionaire.
Looks are an attraction. Like the old saying goes, "Looking at you doesn't help me to understand you. But still, I love looking at you. "
Isn't that nice?

The Second Key Element: Communication

This is the make or break element. No matter how much fun it is to look at her, if the communication fails to materialize, my idea of "fun" is going to be severely crippled.
I have one simple rule for communication.

"Say what you mean. Mean what you say."

If she comes home from work and kills the cat with the look in her eye and says, "I had a crappy day, leave me alone," well, why shouldn't I take her at her word? I'm not suicidal.
We, us neanderthals, "guys", we can be dense when it comes to anticipating your needs. We love that you're women, and so strikingly different from us, and soft and curvy and everything that that implies, but deep down we wish you could communicate like men do. Because no matter how hard we try, it's tough.
Communication is similar to making music. The notes are important, but so are the silences in between the notes. Some of us are lucky enough to have been with someone who understands us so well that communication can be eye contact, body language, or the right touch at the right time.
Conversely, some of us have known people who can talk a hole through your brain pan and never say a dang thing.
Sometimes communication can be "I don't want to talk about it right now." But if it's important, you'd better be prepared to talk about it later.
Whatever communication method works best, do it and do it often.

The Third Key Element: Patience and Acceptance.

I know, that's two. Tough. It's my article and I can do whatever I want.

When that ultimate partner finally comes along, we want that relationship to last forever. Forever is a long time. It will seem agonizingly long if you're the type who expects instant gratification.
It's neither desirable nor fun to learn everything you want to know about somebody in the first year. Or even the first five. the process of discovery should be patient, thorough and erotic. It could last the rest of your life. Enjoy it.
Wouldn't it be awesome if, after 50 years of marriage, your wife did something that just stunned you because it was so unexpected? Let's say, for instance, she was a staunch pacifist and then one day, in the middle of a disagreement, she suddenly picked up the alarm clock and chucked it at your head.

That would make me fall in love all over again.
Provided she missed, of course.

Patience is a journey, not a goal, and that journey is fueled by acceptance. Where I live, there's a woman I don't like very much, but she once said something very profound. She said, "Don't waste your time trying to change somebody. Go find some one who doesn't need changing." I like that.
Ultimately, what I will accept and what I will be patient about are my choices. She has the same choices. During that long delirious process of learning about someone, inevitably something will come up. Now I'll have to make a decision. She's beautiful. She's hysterically funny. She's smart. The sex is mind-boggling. But can I live for the rest of my life with someone who sounds like a flock of parrots when she laughs?
I'm exaggerating, but you see my point.
Patience. Acceptance.

The Fourth Key Element: Devotion.

What an odd word. There's something slightly corny about it. It's almost embarrassing to say it out loud. But it's a critical part of a strong relationship because it encompasses all those other powerful and essential relationship words. Truth. Trust. Honesty. Fidelity.
I like devotion in a relationship. It makes me feel omnipotent. It makes me feel on top of the world. It makes me happy. It makes you feel that way too. Don't lie. Why do you think people like puppies?
I like knowing there is one person who will back me up, share my joys and miseries, build me up in the eyes of others, tell me I'm full of crap when I'm wrong and make me feel like a god when I'm right.
I can say this without a trace of self consciousness or arrogance or ego. I'll tell you why.
Because she will receive the full and equal measure of devotion from me. Having confidence in mutual devotion will make a relationship immortal.

The Fifth Key Element: Humor

This should have been at the top of the list but, you know, save the best for last and all that.
Humor is the essence of what attracts me to a woman. Humor is subversive, subtle and erotic. I can't think of anything more intimate and connecting than humor.
Well, okay, sex. But humor runs a close second.
Humor manifests itself in a myriad of forms. A very smart man once said, "Some people will never understand why a pickle is funny and a carrot is not."
Exactly.
If you've ever been with a group of people when something was said or done and you and your partner were the only two laughing, that's a good omen. You share the same sense of humor. You'll probably be together forever.
Ain't love grand?

Okay, for what it's worth, that's it. The top five things that attract me to women.
I might add that if the last four become highly developed and real love blossoms, the first one becomes irrelevant.

I can see the hands going up. "Wait, wait", you're saying. '"You didn't mention making love."
Well, no. I didn't mention food, either. Sex, like food, is a given. It is assumed that there is plenty of the right kinds of both in a strong relationship. I know what turns me on. She knows what turns me on. I know what turns her on. if you think I'm going to share this most intimate part of my life with you loons, you're nuts. Grab your partner, go home, and figure it out for your selves.

Don't forget to laugh.

After hanging around the third rock from the sun for 45 years I've come to a few conclusions about life and the world. Just my opinion of course. Many I really believe to be true. Many are just questions I have that there are probably no good answers to. Some are just things I ponder. So here is a random list. Tell me what you think.

1) When drinking wine, if you top off your glass before it is empty, it still counts as one glass.

2) Having a kid can be awesome and suck at the same time.

3) Why don't kids go barefoot or run in sprinklers anymore?

4) People worry about leaving the iron on, but it rarely happens.

5) Senseless murders are always talked about on the news. What about the sensible ones?

6) You don't have to like someone to love them.

7) Snow is great if you don't have to drive in it.

8) There's too much information. Period.

9) When you lose an earring, you will find its mate after you've given up and thrown the other one away.

10) All babies are cute when they yawn.

11) A cold beer is best after mowing the lawn in ninety degree weather.

12) It's not visa-versa.

13) The traffic report that tells you about the wreck up ahead is broadcast right after it's too late for you to do anything about it.

14) You have to sit at the kids table until everyone dies.

15) Just because someone asks you to marry them doesn't mean you have to say yes.

16) Why do all coffeepots say eight cups? Who has cups that small?

17) When the powers goes out, at some point you forget and try to turn something on.

18) No one is on the fence about fruitcake.

19) You don't meet a soulmate. You become one.

20) People who say they don't swear have never stubbed their toe in the dark.

21) People who say we don't have time travel don't read books.

22) At my age if I had it to do over again, it would take alot longer.

23) When you tell your son to use 1 cup of sugar to make the kool-aid, make sure you tell him it's not any old cup.

24) If you look down and don't see pubic hair, don't wear a cropped shirt.

25) Chain letters are the herpes of the internet.

26) Sex is highly overrated. Unless you're not getting any.

27) Everyone who has friends is rich. It's recession proof.